Question
When it is time to send your child to someone else's home?
I am haveing a really hard time dealing with my BP son. Sunday he was very aggitated and agressive, He hit his brother and was very irate all day. Then Monday, I got him up for summer school, and he got very loud, angry, and violent...hitting himself, scratching himself, and tried to choke himself.
I called his dad, who talked to him and got him calmed down. Then he took a 3 hour nap. When he woke up he was ok. Yesterday he was better...a little....abd went to school. He also went today.
I will be calling his doctor today, but, I have been thinking...he is geting more out of control, and he is a good size kid and has a lot of strength when he gets into these moods. So, at what point do you turn it over to someone else?
I did tell my Husband that we need to do something. I was thinking...my sister lives right next door...across the yard from us. She and her husband are wonderful parents, have a lot of patience, and seem to handle my son very well (he goes over often). So, I was thinking, maybe they could take him as a temporary thing.
He would be next door, and close enough to visit when he wants to, but he would still be under their rules and in a different household.
I'm just not sure what to do. I don't want him to feel like I am pushing him away, but he also says he is not happy here and doesn't want to be here ....granted...this is usually when he is having his outbursts.
So, what do you do??
Karen
Angel with horns
Answer
You don't mention your son's age. Or the treatment plan at this point. You do mention BP, so I'm assuming he has been diagnosed and is under a Drs care.
Tell me a little more OK?
But MY!!! What a blessing you have in the family next door!! Have you spoken with them? How do they feel? Do they enforce the same rules and have the same expectations as you? Is there consistency? Are you going to develop a running battle with "who's in charge"? LOTS to consider here!!! Is he going to boomerang back and forth when things aren't to his liking.? BP's can (at times) be very manipulative.
If you decide amongst the adults to do this ((and please take DAYs to talk and think it out))
You must offer it to him as a group with definite do's and don'ts are presented as a united front.
Bring the Dr in on the plan and get his/her input, too.
There is never a definitive line as to when you (as a parent) say "OK time for him to go somewhere else". You will try this and that and some of the other stuff..before you find the best way of dealing.
If you go this route, keep an eye on this pattern to repeat. If the same issues occur there as they have in your home....it's time to think about looking for professional group homes.
He may simply need a medication or treatment adjustment too. Don't forget to keep the Doc clued in.
Keeping you safe, healthy and on the road.
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Answer
My 12 year old son was diagnosed many years ago with ADD/ADHD. He has been on all sorts of medications and as he grows older his atttitudes and general behaviors seem to grow worse, though fortunately he has not returned to the state he was in three years ago when he was extremely violent to himself and those around him. It has gotten so bad that he was almost expelled from a special school that he has been going to that deals with behavior issues.
THrough most of this he lived with his Mom and put her through hell but when he came to visit me was usually very well behaved. I niavely thought it was because I could somply handle him better. Last year his Mom had enough and sent him to live with me. The first several weeks went well but then he reverted to his previous attitudes and behaviors.
The main point here is that it may not be that you are unable to handle him or that others can handle him better. It may simply be that your child simply acts better around others because of a change in envornment which is temporary. If he was to actually live with someone else there is a good chance that he would soon become just as much of a handful with them as he is with you.
My reccomendation for you is to get breaks from this. Even a few hours one or two nights/days a week when he is normally home can do wonders for you stamina and outlook. If possible try to get a weekend at least once a month. Another thing is to try to get his father more involved. I dont know your situation but if he lives close by try to get him to come by one or two nights a week for some type of little outing even if it is just a drive in the country. Regardless of your son's age he needs as much male interaction as he can get on a regualr basis. Secondly do your best to use a positive reinforcement system. Try to reward him for positive behaviors. Identify the worst times of the day (typically) and tell him that if he does this he will get this as a reward (a favorite treat, a token he can exchange for something later one, whatever works).
Unless things become truly out of control and dangerous for you. other children, and your son I would try to hold off sending him to live with anyone else. The reason being is that it could make matters worse in that he could come to see his problems as a reason for being sent away, unwanted, and unloved. Now I know you love your son, but I hope you can see what I am getting at.
If he is truly becoming a severe problem and danger to himself and others I would suggest talking to your son's doctors and counselors about what is going on and tell them that you need more help than you have. There may be programs and alternatives that you are unaware of.
I have a name not a number. I am not cheap but I am resonable.
Answer
Nurse Red...I have postyed about him before, but to answer you...he is almost 10. He was diagnosed at age 8. He's on Neurontin and Risperdal.
His regular doctor is out of town until Aug. 2th, but, I talked to the one on call (who I happen to know is highly recomended) and he had me adjust the amount of meds and the times taken. He did raise the Neurontin 100mg. But, other than that, he just changes the times he takes them. Hoping that it will even it out through the day, and then help him sleep at night.
He also gave me a number for a 24 hour crisis line. The people there will come right to the house ASAP when I call them.
So, here we are, and now we see what happens.
Uturn...ys I do understand where you are coming from. And, I agree...that is why we have not taken him anywhere....yet.
I'll try to keep you updated on what happens.
Thanks
Karen
Angel with horns