Question
If Men Ruled the World...
* Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
* Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
* When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
* Birth control would come in ale or lager.
* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
* "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
* At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
* It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
* Tanks would be far easier to rent.
* Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
* Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
* On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
* Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
* Two words: ALLY MCNAKED.
* Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
* The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
* It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
* Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
* When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
* Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
* The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
* People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greeting Cards You'll Never See
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!
You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me
You totalled your car.
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That case of Bud Dry?
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in hell 'til I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Ever find out who the father is?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Alabama & Mississippi).
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Senior Moment
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?
His friends replies, "A Carnation??"
"No. No. The other one" the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Answer
lol. i like the last one. and the greeting cards were funny.
Answer
* Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
* Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif) !!!
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!
now, now, that's just mean. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)
Answer
Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me
haha so sad, but funny.
Answer
the last one...that's one way of remembering your wife name,lol.
Answer
haha
cant even remember his wife's name
Answer
hahahahah
these were awesome!
thanks for sharing them
Answer
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
I loved that one xD haha
and the last one, forgetting his wife`s name .. classic.
Answer
LOL omg that last one ish pretty funny. i like sum of the greeting card x)
Answer
beer bicepts. LOL xD hahaha
Answer
i've read this before~
but hahaha they're so true!!
muchlove!
-jisoo
Answer
* It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Hey I wouldn't mind this either!
Answer
LOL THIS IS SO CUTE ! i loved da if men ruled da world da most!
Answer
HA HA~!!!! Yes, so true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Answer
Hahahahaha! I like the if men ruled the world one hahaha!
Answer
lol those are really cute jokes XD
Answer
HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA*cough* Ah.............. AHAHHAAHAHF AEUf hWIFEH WO JWPIJ Man I'm crazy....?