Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"
She replies, "I lost it, honey."
A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"
Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"
--
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
--
Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.
He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."
Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "FCK IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"
Billy shakes his head as YES.
Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."
Billy shakes his head YES.
He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.
When he gets there he askes this guy...
"Could you hold my bum and fck it while I get my cock and spank it"
--
If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your box with 11 other guys.
* But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!
--
The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
Has to work hard
Has to work at great depths
Has to work upside down
Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
Has to work in a high humidity environment
Has to work at high temperatures
Does not get weekends and holidays off
Does not get time off after extra hours of work
Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness
Request denied for the following reasons:
Does not work 8 hours in a row
Does not answer immediately to all requests
After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
Shows no fidelity to the workplace
Retires too early
Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
Sometimes leaves work, too early
--
Pathetic Pick Up Lines
I lost my teddy bear will you sleep whith me ?
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
Can I borrow your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Be unique and different, say yes.
Are your pants from outer space? 'cause your butt is out of this world.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
I must be in heaven cause I've seen an angel
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.
I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
-
Will you play army men with me.. so I can blow the hell out of you !
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
Wow! Are those real?
There must be a keg in your pants, cuz I want to tap that ass.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
True, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place.
Why do I have a pierced tongue? You'll soon find out.
Hey baby, will you be my love buffet so I can lay you on the table and take what I want?
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button.
You must work at Subway, 'cause you just gave me a footlong
--
Mean Pick Up Lines
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
Man - Excuse me, want to dance?
Woman - No.
Man - Maybe you didn't hear me ... I said you look really fat in those pants!
I love the way you move...like butter on a bald monkey.
Do you work for UPS? 'Cause I swear I saw you checking out my package!
You're ugly but you intrigue me.
No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
Man - Fat Penguin !
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good
Man - Do you like to dance?
Woman - Yes !
Man - Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?
Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special
My Love for you is like diarrahia ... I can't hold it in
Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
Are you a gardner, 'cos I want to put your tulips and my tulups together
You've got all the curves, and I got all the angles
I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a bananna cream
If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole
Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'cos you're really good at raising cocks
--
Are you a sargeant? Cause you make my privates stand up straight.
I know I'm not Fred Flinestone, but I can make your Bed Rock
You know what would look really good on you? No, what? Me.
Hey babe, nice legs....what time do they open?
You have 206 bones right now, Want to have 207 tonight ?
I wouldn't be surprised if you were Cambell's soup, Cause you are mmm mmm good!
Did it hurt? When u fell out of Hevan?
Baby do you have a mirror in your jeans cause I can defiently see my self in them.
I may not be the best looking here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
Are you wearing space pants, 'cause your butt is out of this world!
Am I cute, or do you need another drink?
Condom Slogans
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
(IMG:http://images.allposters.com/images/151/3635.jpg)
(IMG:http://images.allposters.com/images/33/002_3464.jpg)
Enjoy!~ and apologies for repost
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HAHAH i loved that condom one. :]
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HAHAHAH, a lot of funny ones=]
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lol i think ive heard some of them before but hey
theyre still funny XD
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lol the condom one is hilarious. funny yet catchy phrases to get guys to not be fools and wrap their tools!
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^lol you got a slogan too.
funny stuff!
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Jokes were dirty. Hahaha.
I like the mean pick up lines and... the slogans... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/mellow.gif)
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haha the jokes were funny
some of the pick up lines were dirty...
i laughed so hard at the condom slogans
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lol heard some before..... but i don't get it what was the word of john tesh
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haha... the pick-ups line are good man
I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet
haha
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I'm assuming its a replacement for 'fcking'?
bahh xD
okay nvm. lol i noticed it, and fixed it up. i forgot soompi doesnt allow profanity and there were profanity in the jokes. my bad
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omg LITTLE APPRIL WAS MADD FUNNY!
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LOL most of them are seriously very funny~ hahahaha...
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funny, but some are really .. diiiiiiirrrrrrtyy.. x_x
especially the squirrel lol
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LMAO THE EGG XDDD!!
these were hilariousss x]